Siobhan
My very Dear Ladies,
It's time I told all of you the truth. For the past few months I've been living a lie with you - well, not exactly a lie, but certainly not the whole truth. I am dying of leukemia. I hate to put it so bluntly, but there's no other way now. I did not want to mention it on line, because I feared it would inhibit the lovely interchange among us all. My illness was first diagnosed two years ago, and for a time radiation and bone marrow transplants seemed to hold out some promise. That's where the lie was - I had to go into extended treatments from time to time, and I covered up by saying I was off on a seminar or something related to work. Please, please forgive me for that, my sweet Ladies. At the time I just could not bring myself to tell you the truth. Ever since last October my doctors and I have known that there no longer is any hope. I requested that all treatments cease, since they made me feel worse than the illness does. It's too widespread now, and it's just a matter of time until it overtakes me. I've been failing more and more rapidly in recent weeks, and I've had to make some major decisions about my time left. Shelley tried to persuade me to move in with her so she could take care of me. My wonderful parents, who've been so very supportive of me all my life in whatever paths I chose, asked me to return under their roof. At first I really thought that the best thing was for me to just go into a nursing home. Dear Shelley is deeply involved in getting her law degree, and I felt that she just cannot handle me and my situation, in spite of her protestations to the contrary. My Dad is still working as a civil engineer, with two years to go until retirement, and my Mom is heavily involved in volunteer social work, and I felt that I would present too much of a burden to them. Early in March all of us got together for a full-blooded family discussion, about which I will not bore you. The bottom line is that I'll be returning with my parents to coastal North Carolina for whatever time I have left. I'll leave here tomorrow, April 11th, and I'll turn off my computer for the last time tonight. Please do not mourn me, but look at my situation as a hopeful one. I haven't been able to live as I want to live for a number of weeks, and soon I'll be released from that intolerable situation. I am a religious person, and I've had a long time to reconcile myself to this and prepare for it. So weep not for me, my dear ladies, and know that I am at peace with myself and with God. I wanted to take this last opportunity to tell all of you that you've meant so very much to me all these months. I know I haven't been in Scrolls much lately, but that doesn't mean that you've been out of my thoughts. Dear Chiera, always cheerful and vivacious, always fun to chat and flirt with; Dear Aescleah, my fellow Tar Heel, not a prolific chatter but always there lovingly in the background, and sending those delightful, humorous items; Dear Dragoneyes, a talented poetess who flattered me by posting my poor poetry and my photo at her site - I'm sorry, DE, that there'll be no more poetry - I wish I could have written one more; My Darling feck, who started out not saying much, but who ended up saying the most of anyone; Dear Jo, whom I first met while she was having troubles with an ex, and who since has met Sage and has found love once more; Dear Raven, with whom I didn't chat very often, but who sent some delightfully funny items from time to time, making me laugh; Dear Bongo Bear, with whom I flirted (but never played) and who wrote some lovely poetry and deliciously erotic fiction that I uncovered in numerous, diverse places on the 'Net; Dear Antonia, my friend from Australia, with whom I haven't chatted for so long but who still is in my thoughts; and Dear sunstruck, she of the evocative writing and beautiful imagery. All of you, my Scrollies, all of you have meant so very much to me in each of your distinctive ways. I leave feeling blessed with your presence's in my life. I ask that you don't reply to this letter. Please don't mistake this for insensitivity on my part. It's just that I'm weeping enough right now, composing this to all of you, and I don't think my emotions could take reading anything from any of you. I know I will be in your thoughts - and that's all I ask. My deep love and affection go out to each of you, as do my wishes that all of you find happiness and peace and love in the years ahead.
Your grateful Siobhan
To Siobhan's Scrolls friends:
I thought you should know that dear Siobhan passed away during the evening of May 2nd and was buried yesterday, May 4th. May her lovely, gentle soul rest in peace. For Chiera, Karen, Bongo Bear, Dragoneyes, and Laurie: through some friends I found your final words and tributes in AXDB and the poetry site, and I told her about what you'd written. For Feck: one of your cards was buried with her as she requested; I know that it meant much to her.
Thank all of you for being her friends.
Shelley