Stained With Mahogany (Part I)
©1999 by Vanessa de Vera
It would be no surprise to you if I said that she came to me in
dreams, in rapid pulses of reality. Iíve felt her all over: melting on
my hungry tongue, her silky expanse of skin enveloped within my eager
thighs. I cry- though not around her, nor because of her, but because
Iím voluntarily drowning while immersed in these pulses of reality,
these blinding fugues of serenity. Every tear represents another
apology, and through misty eyes I realize that all is lost but a
Her laugh is blessed, like cherubimsí whispers spiraling around my
brooding loneliness, mystifying in its genesis and confusing in its
epilogue. And her eyes, like heavy gold pieces glimmering at the bottom
of a moving stream, stay grounded as the current of everyday life fails
at dulling her shine or offsetting her place. Iím taken by the graceful
slope of her neck, as the throb hidden underneath her caramel
complexion serenades my lingering lips. And she touches me- like rose
petals somersaulting over my writhing contour- like the wings of
butterflies flapping between my cleavage and atop my seeking nipples.
She used to describe our lovemaking as ďcelestialĒ, like I was the sun
and she was the moon.. where my light would reflect off her so she can
shine during the empty night. But often I sit and think, clouded with
wonderment, how she always outshone me.
We used to lay together in silence- not touching, not speaking a word-
just staring into each otherís eyes, while our souls dance together to
the sound of our heartbeats. It resonates in the room, above passing
cars and rain pattering on the window sill. My head floats into the
threshold of fire and reverie; my hands longing to keep this
refreshing, climactic release of qualms and fears, as I embrace this
booming calm. Still held in her gaze, Iím lulled to sleep by the air of
her exhale spilling upon my face. When we wake up, it starts all over
again, not speaking. Just feeling. These were the best conversations
Iíve had in my life.
To this day, I still think about these events in a fragmented form and
hurry to write them down for fear that I will forget to remember them.
Itís like the whole picture of our time together was purposely
shattered, never to be repaired again.
You wrote me love letters drenched in your sweat, endless
nights and countless days. You wrote me forever and promised me more,
and said the bounty you bring before me no one can ever outdo. You
talked of eternity like you believed in nothing else, so fervently
supported by the urgency of your voice and the passion you showed. You
have fainted my will and perception, dragging me by the undertow of the
waves of pleasure we create.
You did everything right, and how you loved to make me smile. And we
laughed in the sun and slept lazily through starry nights together.
Happiness was our devotion, our practice, as if it was all we were
created for. And what a coincidence it was that your body felt so
right, fitted me like a glove, that my other half was found the first
time I tried to seek it.
You loved to play with my hair, and frequently stole kisses on my cheek
and neck, while I loved creeping up behind you and wrapping my arms
around your waist. How I loved to hold you and smell you against me-
the tranquility and refreshed mood was addictive. Never imagining an
end because I never understood the beginning of it all, words were not
spoken for your gaze was a perpetual touch, your presence overwhelmed
me, and when I wasnít with you, your memories kept me company.
The clash of our moments, like a monumental montage, made me high and
floating as the days with you progressed. Love knew no boundary, though
through my own mortal limitations, I couldnít begin to explain or even
grasp a correct measure of our love. I opened up to you, bearing my
pearl, though others tried to deter me, concerned with me giving too
much. Yet to me, it was never enough. In my mind, I could never give
you a fairer gift than the love that you have given me.
You were beautiful in essence and breathtaking in person. I recall when
you used to awaken from your slumber and stretched languidly about your
twisted sheets, and I watched you by my side- you battled against the
beauty of the morning and the sunís gentle coaxing, yet in the end, I
was still captivated by your serenity. You move me, transcending heaven
and earth. Iím following you, playing games as we chase away with
responsibility- our jobs and engagements- they donít matter anymore.
Sing with me until we fall up and climb down into our own secret world,
where all love letters and stolen kisses change form to doctrines and
laws. My love, letís leave this place and share each other.
There is never a time when I consider myself unlucky, for I am forever
smeared by the power to love conscienciously, without reservation,
without pride and indignity. You always surprise me with your unspoken
eloquence and your lingering touch: never absent on every curve of my
body, casting a spell on my mind, as if soothing my tumultous ache. I
canít derive a meaning as to why you prolong this inviting insanity.
Just a taste of your world can heal the death of my heart, for you have
the spirit which sets me soaring above, afloat, beyond my
After all, is love created for humans to understand its mechanics? If
I were consumed by love, is it possible for me to recover? Again I am
lost if it werenít for the shine in your eyes as your gaze falls on me
or your lips guiding me towards the safest place in the world. Your
arms embrace life as your feet dance to my song. Tangled in your
essence, I find it difficult to breathe alone. At the same time,
though, I do not want to leave- yet I should, for you feel no love for
Wait, you say. Look at me, you say. And me, unknowing why Iíve pulled
away, submit to your will, as I am forever indebted, kiss your hands
and attempt to contain my distress. Furrowed brow, quivering lips, and
pounding chest. Donít leave, you plead, and those words are all I need
to hear.. I can never find it in myself to leave you, dear. Not even if
my life had subsided, my soul couldn't hide or have dealt with this
enigmatic devotion felt because our hearts have collided...
...I can't figure out why I can't forget you.
I breathe you, Mahogany.
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